Oh yeah, I'm writing for Gawker now
14 years ago
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Adventures in Bad Parenting: Alternate Reality
What we told Connor;
There was a goldfish named SpongeBob who lived at Wal-Mart. Spongebob was an old fish. He was living in a big tank full of other, younger, cuter fish. He had no one to care about him and he had to fight all the other goldfish for food. Every day SpongeBob saw the other, younger, cuter fish get bought and everyday Spongebob thought to himself 'No one will ever buy me, I'm not young and I'm not very cute'. All he wanted was to make somebody happy, he knew he could if someone would just give him a chance. He was very lonely.
One day a little boy named Connor came to Wal-Mart with his parents and brother wanting to buy goldfish for his birthday. SpongeBob was thrilled when the little boy picked him to take home! He was so happy, he didn't know what to do. Not only did SpongeBob get to go home with Connor, his friend Patrick came too. SpongeBob had gotten exactly what he'd wished for.
At home, Connor put his two goldfish in a sparkly, new tank with pretty plants to play in and colorful gravel along the bottom. Every day, Connor's mom fed Patrick & SpongeBob and talked in a happy voice to them. They played on and around the plants in the tank and searched the gravel for treasure. They were the happiest fish in the world.
One day, SpongeBob didn't feel much like swimming around. He thought he'd just stay on the bottom, in the gravel, where it was comfortable and where he felt safe. SpongeBob knew he was coming to the end of his time in the tank. He wasn't sad. He had spent the happiest days of his life in his tank with his friend Patrick, all thanks to his boy Connor. SpongeBob only hoped Connor wouldn't be too sad when it when it was time to leave the tank. The morning came when it was time for SpongeBob to go. He said goodbye to Patrick and Connor, who was still sleeping, and lay down in the corner of the tank to wait.
Later that morning Connor's dad took SpongeBob to the river, where all good goldfish go, and set him free. Spongebob had fulfilled his lifelong dream of making somebody happy and it was all thanks to the little boy who took a chance on an old, not cute, goldfish.
Translation: We got a bum goldfish from WalMart. He only lived a week. We flushed him.
There was a goldfish named SpongeBob who lived at Wal-Mart. Spongebob was an old fish. He was living in a big tank full of other, younger, cuter fish. He had no one to care about him and he had to fight all the other goldfish for food. Every day SpongeBob saw the other, younger, cuter fish get bought and everyday Spongebob thought to himself 'No one will ever buy me, I'm not young and I'm not very cute'. All he wanted was to make somebody happy, he knew he could if someone would just give him a chance. He was very lonely.
One day a little boy named Connor came to Wal-Mart with his parents and brother wanting to buy goldfish for his birthday. SpongeBob was thrilled when the little boy picked him to take home! He was so happy, he didn't know what to do. Not only did SpongeBob get to go home with Connor, his friend Patrick came too. SpongeBob had gotten exactly what he'd wished for.
At home, Connor put his two goldfish in a sparkly, new tank with pretty plants to play in and colorful gravel along the bottom. Every day, Connor's mom fed Patrick & SpongeBob and talked in a happy voice to them. They played on and around the plants in the tank and searched the gravel for treasure. They were the happiest fish in the world.
One day, SpongeBob didn't feel much like swimming around. He thought he'd just stay on the bottom, in the gravel, where it was comfortable and where he felt safe. SpongeBob knew he was coming to the end of his time in the tank. He wasn't sad. He had spent the happiest days of his life in his tank with his friend Patrick, all thanks to his boy Connor. SpongeBob only hoped Connor wouldn't be too sad when it when it was time to leave the tank. The morning came when it was time for SpongeBob to go. He said goodbye to Patrick and Connor, who was still sleeping, and lay down in the corner of the tank to wait.
Later that morning Connor's dad took SpongeBob to the river, where all good goldfish go, and set him free. Spongebob had fulfilled his lifelong dream of making somebody happy and it was all thanks to the little boy who took a chance on an old, not cute, goldfish.
Translation: We got a bum goldfish from WalMart. He only lived a week. We flushed him.
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