Oh yeah, I'm writing for Gawker now
14 years ago
Friday, June 27, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
At 11:00 you're a slut. Tru fax
Wesley got home from his Washington trip around 7:00 pm on a Friday. By 9:30 pm- he was out for the count. We had surprised him with his own room, he had been sharing with his brother since we moved into this house in 2004.
At 10:50 pm I hear the James Bond theme. The voices in my head were pretty adamant that they weren't responsible. It hit me that Wes's ring tone was the James Bond theme and his phone was probably ringing.
We got him a cheap pre-paid cell expressly for the trip to Washington, I wanted to be able to talk to him whenever & vice versa. I didn't think he would take to it like he did but he's pretty sure he's a bad ass with that cell phone in his pocket.
I went and found his phone & hit Ignore so it wouldn't wake him. I also took note of the fact that I didn't recognize the incoming number. Wrong number? Maybe, but then the tone that signals voice mail went off.
Hmm, says I, voice mail? Ususally wrong numbers don't leave messages once they hear the wrong voice on the voice mail. So, being a cautious (read: nosy as shit) person, I listened to the voice mail.
Reminder: He's 11. E. Leven. and should have exactly 0 expectations of privacy from me.
The message is from some girl. ?!. who sounds 12 going on 30 and is as follows
"Hi Wes, it's Kate. I got your text, call me back at this number"
*dies*
Ex. Cuse. Me?
Now it turns out I know this girl's parents and they are really good people. She's a nice girl, not prissy, very friendly with everyone. A good girl.
NOT AT 11:00 AT NIGHT, SHE'S NOT.
For the parent of a boy, 11:00 at night = WHORE.
I (allegedly) checked his outgoing texts to find out they'd been deleted. ORLY? and there were other girls numbers on his cell phone from his trip to D.C.
The next morning when Wes rolled out of bed, I casually questioned him about it. You know, confidentally so as not to embarrass him.
Just kidding, I wore his ass out about it in front of his entire family and a few random strangers at our garage sale that morning.
He insists she's "just a friend. God." and he denied sending her a text. Of course he said it as he was frantically fiddling with his phone, muting it in case it rang again.
I. am. not. ready. I did not authorize any kind of puberty time situation. Also? his cell phone ,literally and with no help from me, died. From shame, probably.
At 10:50 pm I hear the James Bond theme. The voices in my head were pretty adamant that they weren't responsible. It hit me that Wes's ring tone was the James Bond theme and his phone was probably ringing.
We got him a cheap pre-paid cell expressly for the trip to Washington, I wanted to be able to talk to him whenever & vice versa. I didn't think he would take to it like he did but he's pretty sure he's a bad ass with that cell phone in his pocket.
I went and found his phone & hit Ignore so it wouldn't wake him. I also took note of the fact that I didn't recognize the incoming number. Wrong number? Maybe, but then the tone that signals voice mail went off.
Hmm, says I, voice mail? Ususally wrong numbers don't leave messages once they hear the wrong voice on the voice mail. So, being a cautious (read: nosy as shit) person, I listened to the voice mail.
Reminder: He's 11. E. Leven. and should have exactly 0 expectations of privacy from me.
The message is from some girl. ?!. who sounds 12 going on 30 and is as follows
"Hi Wes, it's Kate. I got your text, call me back at this number"
*dies*
Ex. Cuse. Me?
Now it turns out I know this girl's parents and they are really good people. She's a nice girl, not prissy, very friendly with everyone. A good girl.
NOT AT 11:00 AT NIGHT, SHE'S NOT.
For the parent of a boy, 11:00 at night = WHORE.
I (allegedly) checked his outgoing texts to find out they'd been deleted. ORLY? and there were other girls numbers on his cell phone from his trip to D.C.
The next morning when Wes rolled out of bed, I casually questioned him about it. You know, confidentally so as not to embarrass him.
Just kidding, I wore his ass out about it in front of his entire family and a few random strangers at our garage sale that morning.
He insists she's "just a friend. God." and he denied sending her a text. Of course he said it as he was frantically fiddling with his phone, muting it in case it rang again.
I. am. not. ready. I did not authorize any kind of puberty time situation. Also? his cell phone ,literally and with no help from me, died. From shame, probably.
Why don't you have a seat over there?
So the phone rings yesterday, early afternoon. I checked the caller ID- it was a man's name that I didn't recognize. I figured it was a wrong number & answered it. I'm a good citizen. So this deep adult male voice says "Can I speak to Wesley".
(insert record scratch noise) HOLD UP!
I didn't say anything because I'm gathering steam to produce Frightenting Parent Voice when he says "This is Mr. James".
Oh, pheeeeewww. It's his teacher! I hand the phone to Wes, who promptly hits the wrong button & hangs up. He apparently has never seen the phone in his life and can't puzzle out the complexities required in putting it to your ear & talking.
I made him call Mr. James back & apologize for being such a doofus. Turns out Mr. James & his co-teacher Ms. Thompson are giving 5 dollars to every kid in his class who passed the FCAT (state standardized test) and were arranging to meet up in a local park. Apparently Mr. James is retired from a city planning job in New York and has many, many dollars to spare.
Poor Wes; hanging on a Sunday, listening to his iPod and a TEACHER calls..his HOUSE..to talk to HIM. He walked around like he'd been tased the rest of the day.
He was so traumatized we couldn't get any useable info out of him. There was "some deal" at Victory Park (which, eeeew) at "maybe 10ish or something I. Dont. Know" and "you're not going to leave me there are you? God."
Turns out they are having a cookout for the kids from 10:30 to 12:30 and when Chris dropped him off, there were squirt guns.
We? Are the kind of parents who will NOT leave our kids in a city park unarmed so Chris went to Walgreens & got him a Water Rocket Launcher with Nuclear Option thing.
It's all about arming your kids with the tools to succeed in the real world. Also, don't bring a squirt gun to a Super Soaker fight, people.
(insert record scratch noise) HOLD UP!
I didn't say anything because I'm gathering steam to produce Frightenting Parent Voice when he says "This is Mr. James".
Oh, pheeeeewww. It's his teacher! I hand the phone to Wes, who promptly hits the wrong button & hangs up. He apparently has never seen the phone in his life and can't puzzle out the complexities required in putting it to your ear & talking.
I made him call Mr. James back & apologize for being such a doofus. Turns out Mr. James & his co-teacher Ms. Thompson are giving 5 dollars to every kid in his class who passed the FCAT (state standardized test) and were arranging to meet up in a local park. Apparently Mr. James is retired from a city planning job in New York and has many, many dollars to spare.
Poor Wes; hanging on a Sunday, listening to his iPod and a TEACHER calls..his HOUSE..to talk to HIM. He walked around like he'd been tased the rest of the day.
He was so traumatized we couldn't get any useable info out of him. There was "some deal" at Victory Park (which, eeeew) at "maybe 10ish or something I. Dont. Know" and "you're not going to leave me there are you? God."
Turns out they are having a cookout for the kids from 10:30 to 12:30 and when Chris dropped him off, there were squirt guns.
We? Are the kind of parents who will NOT leave our kids in a city park unarmed so Chris went to Walgreens & got him a Water Rocket Launcher with Nuclear Option thing.
It's all about arming your kids with the tools to succeed in the real world. Also, don't bring a squirt gun to a Super Soaker fight, people.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Friday Night Naked Guy
Last Friday night (6/6) I was up late reading. About 12:45 I realized I had forgotten to flip the towels from the washer into the dryer (for about the 3rd day- fucking laundry) and went downstairs to make it happen.
Flipped on the light over the stairs, went and accomplished the towel flipping (avec swearing) and started to come back upstairs. As I passed the window in the front door I noticed that the back porch of the house on the corner was lit up. Their overhead light must have about 400 watts in it and it faces my front door directly. Kind of annoying..but wait! What's that? Only a naked guy sitting in a chair facing my house.
The naked guy wasn't doing anything vulgar, just hanging out on the phone being Naked Guy. He looked to be in his early 20's or so, kind of fit, a little skinny for my taste but that's beside the point. I decided if someone was going to take the trouble to be naked at 1:00 on Saturday morning it would be rude not to look. Right? Anyway I flipped off the lights, the better to stealth you see- being naked is no condition in which to be startled- and went and got the binoculars.
What?? It's a little Gladys Kravitz-y, I admit, but I had to make sure there was no malfeasance going on. Maybe he was being held hostage? Maybe there'd been a home invasion & he was waiting an appropriate amount of time to call the cops? I am nothing if not concerened for my fellow man, naked or not. He was literally just sitting there, on the phone, on a screened in porch with no window coverings whatsoever that faced the front of 6 other homes. He's the deviant here, not me.
After about 5 (okay 20) minutes, I got bored & went back to bed. Next time I'll remember the video camera. Helloooooo, YouTube!
Flipped on the light over the stairs, went and accomplished the towel flipping (avec swearing) and started to come back upstairs. As I passed the window in the front door I noticed that the back porch of the house on the corner was lit up. Their overhead light must have about 400 watts in it and it faces my front door directly. Kind of annoying..but wait! What's that? Only a naked guy sitting in a chair facing my house.
The naked guy wasn't doing anything vulgar, just hanging out on the phone being Naked Guy. He looked to be in his early 20's or so, kind of fit, a little skinny for my taste but that's beside the point. I decided if someone was going to take the trouble to be naked at 1:00 on Saturday morning it would be rude not to look. Right? Anyway I flipped off the lights, the better to stealth you see- being naked is no condition in which to be startled- and went and got the binoculars.
What?? It's a little Gladys Kravitz-y, I admit, but I had to make sure there was no malfeasance going on. Maybe he was being held hostage? Maybe there'd been a home invasion & he was waiting an appropriate amount of time to call the cops? I am nothing if not concerened for my fellow man, naked or not. He was literally just sitting there, on the phone, on a screened in porch with no window coverings whatsoever that faced the front of 6 other homes. He's the deviant here, not me.
After about 5 (okay 20) minutes, I got bored & went back to bed. Next time I'll remember the video camera. Helloooooo, YouTube!
Adventures In Bad Parenting- the summer handbook
I am stuck in the house with 3 cats, 2 kids, 1 husband & 1 dog for the duration of summer vacation. Things get hairy. Fast. Here is a handy guide to what mom says versus what mom means.
Okay, honey. = I swear to God if you say that one more time I will
super glue your lips shut
Not right now = I'm gonna hold off on that and hope you forget
Maybe later = never, ever, ever
Are you hungry? = You better get your asses down here 'cause I have
a 15 minute window for fixing lunch today and if you miss it? It's a loooong time til dinner, buckaroos
Do you guys want hot dogs for lunch? = Upton Sinclair doesn't live here, you're having hot dogs for luch. Deal.
What's the problem? = Shut up, shut up, shut up
Why don't you guys go upstairs? = Murder imminent
What's your dad doing? = Cause I have reached my daily allowance of
parental responsibility and it's his turn.Otherwise I'm going to start passing out matches for you to play with
Go ask your father = The level of my disinterest cannot be measured
with the tools currenty available.
It's time for baths= you guys smell like feet. Corpse feet. Plus I
cant remember how long its been since you were in water that wasn't chlorinated
Guys? Keep it down = if I miss the part where Maury tells the 4th
guy tested he's not the father there WILL be beatings
Hope it helps. Enjoy your summer!
Okay, honey. = I swear to God if you say that one more time I will
super glue your lips shut
Not right now = I'm gonna hold off on that and hope you forget
Maybe later = never, ever, ever
Are you hungry? = You better get your asses down here 'cause I have
a 15 minute window for fixing lunch today and if you miss it? It's a loooong time til dinner, buckaroos
Do you guys want hot dogs for lunch? = Upton Sinclair doesn't live here, you're having hot dogs for luch. Deal.
What's the problem? = Shut up, shut up, shut up
Why don't you guys go upstairs? = Murder imminent
What's your dad doing? = Cause I have reached my daily allowance of
parental responsibility and it's his turn.Otherwise I'm going to start passing out matches for you to play with
Go ask your father = The level of my disinterest cannot be measured
with the tools currenty available.
It's time for baths= you guys smell like feet. Corpse feet. Plus I
cant remember how long its been since you were in water that wasn't chlorinated
Guys? Keep it down = if I miss the part where Maury tells the 4th
guy tested he's not the father there WILL be beatings
Hope it helps. Enjoy your summer!
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