Merry Christmas to some and to some..suck it.

Merry Christmas to my amazing husband and my beautiful children. They are my safe harbor, my champions, my reason for living.

Merry Christmas to my sisters, my brother in law and my precious neice, Ellie. We're all champions at playing the cards we were dealt.

Merry Christmas to my grandmother, the person without whom I would've fallen off the face of the earth. She inspires me every day.

Merry Christmas to my amazing friends at the Mythbusters Fan Club- the smartest, most diverse, caring and creative people you'll find anywhere.

Everybody else can bite the big weenie.

Ye Olde Timey Christmas

So the kids are out for Christmas break. We've been making crafts, gathering pine cones, baking up a mess o' cookies and decorating them ourselves using natural, organic ingredients. We've sung carols for the unfortunate and donated all our Christmas presents to the needy...


Nah, we're sitting around in our jammies watching Maury & cheesy Christmas movies.



Merry Christmas! Shitters are full!

Adventures in (Bad) Parenting- Wiki entry

6 seconds: The time it takes to go from a deep sleep to processing the words "Mommy, I threw up*" and how that relates to you.

*"Mommy, I threw up" does NOT mean 'Mommy I woke up feeling very nauseous and I have vomited into the toilet and now I need comforting and maybe some Emetrol'. It means 'Mommy there is a debris field of chunks extending from my bed to the door and I didn't even LEAN TOWARD the bathroom and it smells like mint french fries'.

30 seconds: The amount of time spent contemplating throttling your child when you ask him 'Honey, did you eat anything weird today?' and he answers 'You mean yesterday. It's after midnight'.

1 minute 30 seconds: The amount of time it takes to get downstairs, throw the offending laundry in the machine, grab the Carpet Fresh & the room spray & get back upstairs

7 minutes: Total duration of post-midnight puke trauma

1 hour, 23 minutes: The time spent trying to get back to sleep and convincing your stomach to NOT. EVEN. START

0 seconds: The amount of time it takes the puker to get back to sleep in the mint french fry/Carpet Fresh/room spray funk

No, I wasn't making a Vicodin cake. Not THAT day.

In pictures, Connor always manages to look like a frat boy on Spring Break who’s won (or lost) a drinking contest at Dirty Fred’s Bar & Boobatorium.

Adventures in Bad Parenting: The Screenplay

SCENE:
Exterior school, early morning.

A boy , Wesley, exits the car wrestling with his rolling backpack & Spider-Man lunch box.
Mom rolls down the window

Mom: ( shouts) Wesley!....Wes!

Wes: oblivious- continues walking.

Mom: (car still rolling) WES! LEY!

Wes: comical look of surprise

Mom: Where's your sash?

Wes: Eyes wide in confusion, has clearly never heard the word sash before in his life and cannot associate it with any inanimate object connected to him

Mom: (still rolling) YOUR SASH WES!

Wes: …….

Mom: (still rolling & shouting) YOUR PATROL! BELT!,

Mom: (mutters under her breath) Doofus

Wes: eyes widen in dawning realization

Mom: DID YOU FORGET IT??

Wes: nods

Mom: YOU'RE GOING TO GET A DEMERIT, SON!

Wes: Eyes wide, chin trembling

Mom: (shrugs) YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO USE A SPARE ONE. SORRY

Mom drives off feeling guilty- but not quite enough to go home, get his patrol belt & bring it back up to him. Lumps are being taken, consequences are resulting from actions.

END SCENE

Adventures in (bad) parenting part two, electric boogaloo

I ran out of t.p. this morning, so I go to the stairs & yell down to Wes "Honey, throw me some toilet paper! Hurry! I have to pee" to which he asks me "Why do you need toilet paper if you're just peeing?"

Now at this point I could've
a) taken the time to (generally) explain the female anatomy and the difference between urinating standing up v. sitting down or
b) tell him to go ask his father.

Three guesses which one I chose- keeping in mind it's my freaking day off too & I just dont. have. the. strength.
So, I'm in the bathroom and I hear my college educated husband yell "You guys need toilet paper when you pee? For real?"

For reals, ya'll.

Adventures in (bad) parenting

Connor comes to me with his book of Life Savers (which I'm pretty sure you're federally required to get for Christmas when you're a kid) and asks me to open it for him. I didn't mind him having a roll but didn't want him to go nuts and have to peel him off the ceiling. This is your brain on Butter Rum Life Savers. Any questions?

I carefully explain to Connor the drawbacks of eating a lot of candy at once. One of those drawbacks being constipation. I told him his poop would back up & his stomach would hurt & when he finally was able to go to the bathroom, well.. let's just say the words "doody brick" were used.

Connor gets this horrified look on his face and starts backing away from me yelling "I DON'T WANT IT!". He's completely freaked out, he wont go NEAR the Life Savers now, he won't even let his brother eat any. We had to dispose of all the Life Savers in the house like they were hazardous material.
Also, just to put a fine point on it, everything he's eaten tonight he clears it with the Digestability Review Board (me) first. 'Will this come out in my poo?' 'Will THIS?' etc...So I've scarred him for life. It had to happen sometime & there's worse things to have a life long aversion to. Plus it gives me an idea for a birthday present. Do they make Hazmat suits in 5T?

To be fair...

...this was NOT my fault.

This is the fault of his Aunt who thinks it’s HI-LARIOUS to let the 3 yr old dress himself.
Dad’s comment: “I’ve never been to Hooters. My 3 year old has. Something’s wrong there”