So here’s how it went…
My mother in law, Shirley called me about 10 minutes after 9 that morning. Shirley is unfailingly upbeat so when her voice is shaking, you can be assured that something is Wrong, with a capital W. She said “We have a heart” . All I could think of to say was the terribly original “ohmygodohmygod,”. She said the surgery would happen that day and they had to leave for Gainesville about 11 am.
Meagan had just been to her cardiologist (Dr. Fricker) the week before over some concerns about her fainting & feeling extremely fatigued. She was told she was dehydrated & needed to consume a lot more water than she had been. We were told that despite that, she was doing fine and no change in status was necessary. I had sort of filed the whole situation under “Deal With Later” in my head & gone on my merry way.
I called Chris’s cell phone & got a curious non-reaction from him- ‘Oh. Okay. I’ll talk to you later’ We were both in disbelief & non process mode for about 2 hours. If I had had wings, they would’ve been flapping uselessly at my sides. I picked stuff up. I put stuff down. I would decide on a course of action and almost immediately get distracted & go off on something else. I cried. I pre-mourned. I pre-celebrated. I rehearsed what to tell Wesley, do I Prepare Him For The Worst? Was it necessary? Should I be practical or positive? And Connor? How little info could I get away with sharing with him.
Once my wheels stopped spinning and forward motion was reestablished, Chris & I were able to come up with a plan. We decided to leave immediately after school and get a room in Gainesville for the night. I could wait at the hotel with the kids, he could be at the hospital.
On our way down, we learned that the heart was coming from an 18 year old girl in state and that it was being harvested right then. I admit I lost it a little bit imagining her family. Unrestrained joy does not mesh with the death of a child, no matter how hard you rationalize. Would it help me to know that my child’s death would allow another child to live? Yes, eventually. Not right away.
Plus that word…”harvested”. Shudder.
There’s
nothing else they can call it?Recycled? Repurposed?
We got to Gainesville just a few minutes too late to talk to her before they took her back. Chris & I both kind of felt like those moments before the operation belonged to her parents. I know she wanted to see Wesley, though, & I felt bad for not being able to give her that. She and Wesley bonded while they were both safety patrols in 5th grade. There was some incident with a kid making fun of her & Wesley bowing up about it. She also likes his SuperMeagan drawings that he does for her occasionally.
Shands hospital in Gainesville produces miracles by the metric ton. They’ve made an effort to make the children’s floor cheerful but it just doesn’t work. There is grief in every spinning atom of the place. The Ronald McDonald family room on the 10th floor has a TV, some toys, some sleep chairs, even a computer with printer. Just ignore the big plastic clown clock on the wall.
Can’t sleep, Ronald McDonald will eat me.
We sat. We chatted about nothing. It was nice to talk to Eric (Meagan’s dad) again, he’s cool , he’s fun…
I didn’t divorce him, you know? His wife, Cari, is also cool. You expect some tension with the ex husband/new wife/ etc… but everybody was being grownups for a greater cause & that’s a good thing. Holly’s boyfriend, Darrin, was getting pillows & blankets for her ex-husband’s new wife at one point & it was all kumbayah. You’re literally afraid to start shit in that situation.
We heard the helicopter leave to go get Meagan’s heart and it sounded hopeful and horrible at the same time. They told us it was 2 hours away from Gainesville. I felt like I was holding the other family’s grief in my hands like a rosary. Maybe if I feel enough sympathy & compassion for them, it will benefit Meagan? Maybe I’m supposed to dwell on their sacrifice to be worthy of it? That much I do remember from going to church.
Chris took me back to the hotel around 9:30- Connor was getting ampy & jerky. We watched the election, not caring one little bit. It seemed like a pointless circus that had nothing to do with me. The minutes dragged on.
I texted Chris @ about 3:15 am, asking him to come to the hotel & try to get some rest. He stayed until about 3:45 & then left. We had just gotten settled & back to sleep when his cell rang & his mom said it was over, she did great & they were cleaning her up. There wasn’t really relief at that point. We made that mistake 12 years ago, believing that surely getting a heart + having a surgery = win. She almost died after the operation then & we were unwilling to trust the 12 years of medical advancement that’s there.
Later that morning Chris, Wes & I were able to go back and see her. I was amazed that she was awake. What in the world would it be like to wake up with someone else’s heart in your body? Would all the emotions we associate with our hearts be different? Would she wake up with a crush on a boy she’d never met (but who was only 2 hours away by helicopter)? Would her new heart tell her to do different things? Would she like chocolate now?
She had a breathing tube in and it was pissing her off. She wanted to talk but couldn’t & was getting frustrated. She was happy to see Wes, she mouthed “I got a new heart!” to him. He laughed & said “…duh”. I smacked him on the head for that- you don’t “duh” somebody in intensive care, you prick. They gave her some better pain meds (always a prudent course of action, imho) and she was able to relax.
We took off home feeling grateful & cautious & like the last 24 hours had been outside of normal time. Stuff went on, we had a new President etc.. The tube is out & her doctor says she’s doing great. Not just great but raised eyebrows-holy shit!- great.
Thanks to everyone, everywhere who prayed or sent good vibes or even stopped for a second & thought, ‘whoa, hope that turns out okay’. It all helped.
