Whistling past the graveyard.

Chris's grandmother passed away Sunday morning and while we're sad she's not here, she was in really bad health and is, I'm sure, much relieved to be done with it all. The boys got to see her & spend some happy time together at Christmas.



Here they are together.















So there was that.

We gave her a some Tupperwares full of junk food. She loved her Little Debbie's and such and that's not something a nursing home keeps on hand, with their balanced, low salt meals and other elder abusive crap.

Unfortunately she got too ill to enjoy it and never even opened the boxes they were in. After she passed my mother-in-law, Shirley, gave it back to us so it wouldn't go to waste.

Wesley, a snack cake enthusiast, won't even go near them. He says "it's kind of weird" and " it's dead people food" and he won't touch them. This child has never met a preservative he didn't like and named his favorite cat Fancy Cake after a type of Little Debbie.

Today at lunch he..left..his...dessert...uneaten. Something that has never happened in recorded history. No explanation will change his mind. The kid is cannot be reasoned with and has left an entire box of perfectly good garbage food to their fates (i.e., Connor & the dog).

I wash my hands of the situation.

Adventures in Bad Parenting: Our Bodies, Our Selves

The follwing conversation actually occured. No names have been changed because no one is innocent.

Wes: *hiccup*

Wes: *hiccup*

Me: You know, there are people who've had hiccups for years.

Wes: No there *hiccup* aren't. You're just *hiccup* messing with me *hiccup*.

Me: No, I'm not, Google it. One guy had them for more than 50 years, I think

Wes: clack, clack *hiccup*, clackity, clack clack "OH MY GOD, 68 YEARS??!?

Me: See? Wes: What would you do *hiccup* if you had a kid that had hiccuped *hiccup* for years, mom?

Me: Sell tickets.

Wes: You are just the wo*hiccup*rst kind of person

Me: SEE THE HICCUPING FREAK, ONE DOLLLAH!

Wes: You suck. *hiccup*

Me: Okay, everybody that wants a crap sandwich for dinner hiccup right now!

Wes: ...glare...*hiccup*

Me: bwaahahahaha. Okay, everybody who wants to make out with the guy from X Files, hiccup right now!

Wes: ...glare..*hiccup*.

Me: bwahahahahaha. *clapping* Yay, I found a new activity!

Wes: everybody who *hiccup* thinks Mom is a pain in the ass hiccup now *hiccup*

Me: ~blank stare~ Go to your room, son.

On Lameness

I asked Connor yesterday how his day went as he came in the door.

“We had vision screening” he said, tossing his backpack on the table

“It was lame”

Should he, at 6, even be aware of the existence of lame? Much less able to make decisions regarding what does or does not exist in it?
Advanced in the ways of the smart ass, is that one.

Also , Wesley has to design a city park for a math assignment and Chris & I are literally having to restrain ourselves from helping him. Not because he needs it, because it sounds like SO MUCH FUN. It involves graph paper & posterboard and persuasive letters & a design storyboard and I’m wondering if Jamie would let us borrow her drafting tools and…

We are lame

Oh, Misery

I stayed up til the wee smalls last night re (re-re-re-re etc...point belabored, move on)reading Misery by Stephen King.
It occured to me this morning that I'm really, at this particular time, indentifying with someone who's TRAPPED in the HOUSE by an INSANE person (or, in my case, PERSONS) and FORCED to PERFORM tasks for their cockadoodie AMUSEMENT.

I'm just saying.

In good news, pre-planning starts next Monday. Or, to continue the parallel, that's when the deputy finds my car in the spring runoff & comes to investigate.

I shouldn't complain...they're my number one fans.

That bitch WISHES she was me

Do you think Angelina Jolie ever spends Tuesday afternoon arguing with one of her kids about whether or not Jedi are allowed to show their nipples*? How about scraping dog shit out of their sneakers with a bamboo kebob stick?

No? Just me then.

* The discussion arose when Connor came downstairs in a Harry Potter costume robe, no shirt, Batman underwear & last years clone trooper mask- yelling 'I'm a Jediiiiii! Diiieeeee!'. I told him I was almost positive the Jedi were forbidden to show their nipples in public. I stand by that statement.

Adventures In Bad Parenting- the summer handbook

I am stuck in the house with 3 cats, 2 kids, 1 husband & 1 dog for the duration of summer vacation. Things get hairy. Fast. Here is a handy guide to what mom says versus what mom means.

Okay, honey. = I swear to God if you say that one more time I will
super glue your lips shut

Not right now = I'm gonna hold off on that and hope you forget

Maybe later = never, ever, ever

Are you hungry? = You better get your asses down here 'cause I have
a 15 minute window for fixing lunch today and if you miss it? It's a loooong time til dinner, buckaroos

Do you guys want hot dogs for lunch? = Upton Sinclair doesn't live here, you're having hot dogs for luch. Deal.

What's the problem? = Shut up, shut up, shut up

Why don't you guys go upstairs? = Murder imminent

What's your dad doing? = Cause I have reached my daily allowance of
parental responsibility and it's his turn.Otherwise I'm going to start passing out matches for you to play with

Go ask your father = The level of my disinterest cannot be measured
with the tools currenty available.

It's time for baths= you guys smell like feet. Corpse feet. Plus I
cant remember how long its been since you were in water that wasn't chlorinated

Guys? Keep it down = if I miss the part where Maury tells the 4th
guy tested he's not the father there WILL be beatings

Hope it helps. Enjoy your summer!

The Dr. Phil Thing... or, How's That Working For Ya?

Connor has periods of mild to moderate screaming crazy. Times where he absolutely will. not. listen- to mom, to dad, or to reason. For those special times we have an ace in the hole, a trump card or some other card playing analogy for when you just want it over already. That would be Dr. Phil.

Years ago, Connor & I were at home watching Dr. Phil. The topic that day was Out Of Control Kids, complete with video of a small boy howling, banshee style. Connor was transfixed, he looked at me & without the slightest bit of self realization said "That kid is BAD". Seizing the teachable moment I told him he acted the same way sometimes and how would he like me to invite the Dr. Phil show to come vidoetape him during one of his freak outs. This was not acceptable to Connor. I'm not sure whether or not it was thinking of people watching him & judging him or just deep resentment of being exploited for ratings, he never really said. Maybe Dr. Phil just scares the cheesy old shit out of him.

From then on whenever he starts to get out of control, when the center becomes wobbly, we will ask him "Do you want me to call Dr. Phil?" "Do you?". The result is always the same "Noooooo!" and a run to the couch or other place of safety and immediate adoption of Good Boy Posture.

Full disclosure; during one pre bedtime negotiation/freakout, Chris MAY have pretended to call Dr. Phil from his cell phone and then ALLEGEDLY gone to the front door, knocked on it & yelled "WHERE IS THAT BOY?". Allegedly.

Don't you judge me.

Adventures in (Bad) Parenting- Wiki entry

6 seconds: The time it takes to go from a deep sleep to processing the words "Mommy, I threw up*" and how that relates to you.

*"Mommy, I threw up" does NOT mean 'Mommy I woke up feeling very nauseous and I have vomited into the toilet and now I need comforting and maybe some Emetrol'. It means 'Mommy there is a debris field of chunks extending from my bed to the door and I didn't even LEAN TOWARD the bathroom and it smells like mint french fries'.

30 seconds: The amount of time spent contemplating throttling your child when you ask him 'Honey, did you eat anything weird today?' and he answers 'You mean yesterday. It's after midnight'.

1 minute 30 seconds: The amount of time it takes to get downstairs, throw the offending laundry in the machine, grab the Carpet Fresh & the room spray & get back upstairs

7 minutes: Total duration of post-midnight puke trauma

1 hour, 23 minutes: The time spent trying to get back to sleep and convincing your stomach to NOT. EVEN. START

0 seconds: The amount of time it takes the puker to get back to sleep in the mint french fry/Carpet Fresh/room spray funk

Adventures in Bad Parenting: The Screenplay

SCENE:
Exterior school, early morning.

A boy , Wesley, exits the car wrestling with his rolling backpack & Spider-Man lunch box.
Mom rolls down the window

Mom: ( shouts) Wesley!....Wes!

Wes: oblivious- continues walking.

Mom: (car still rolling) WES! LEY!

Wes: comical look of surprise

Mom: Where's your sash?

Wes: Eyes wide in confusion, has clearly never heard the word sash before in his life and cannot associate it with any inanimate object connected to him

Mom: (still rolling) YOUR SASH WES!

Wes: …….

Mom: (still rolling & shouting) YOUR PATROL! BELT!,

Mom: (mutters under her breath) Doofus

Wes: eyes widen in dawning realization

Mom: DID YOU FORGET IT??

Wes: nods

Mom: YOU'RE GOING TO GET A DEMERIT, SON!

Wes: Eyes wide, chin trembling

Mom: (shrugs) YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO USE A SPARE ONE. SORRY

Mom drives off feeling guilty- but not quite enough to go home, get his patrol belt & bring it back up to him. Lumps are being taken, consequences are resulting from actions.

END SCENE

Adventures in (bad) parenting part two, electric boogaloo

I ran out of t.p. this morning, so I go to the stairs & yell down to Wes "Honey, throw me some toilet paper! Hurry! I have to pee" to which he asks me "Why do you need toilet paper if you're just peeing?"

Now at this point I could've
a) taken the time to (generally) explain the female anatomy and the difference between urinating standing up v. sitting down or
b) tell him to go ask his father.

Three guesses which one I chose- keeping in mind it's my freaking day off too & I just dont. have. the. strength.
So, I'm in the bathroom and I hear my college educated husband yell "You guys need toilet paper when you pee? For real?"

For reals, ya'll.

Adventures in (bad) parenting

Connor comes to me with his book of Life Savers (which I'm pretty sure you're federally required to get for Christmas when you're a kid) and asks me to open it for him. I didn't mind him having a roll but didn't want him to go nuts and have to peel him off the ceiling. This is your brain on Butter Rum Life Savers. Any questions?

I carefully explain to Connor the drawbacks of eating a lot of candy at once. One of those drawbacks being constipation. I told him his poop would back up & his stomach would hurt & when he finally was able to go to the bathroom, well.. let's just say the words "doody brick" were used.

Connor gets this horrified look on his face and starts backing away from me yelling "I DON'T WANT IT!". He's completely freaked out, he wont go NEAR the Life Savers now, he won't even let his brother eat any. We had to dispose of all the Life Savers in the house like they were hazardous material.
Also, just to put a fine point on it, everything he's eaten tonight he clears it with the Digestability Review Board (me) first. 'Will this come out in my poo?' 'Will THIS?' etc...So I've scarred him for life. It had to happen sometime & there's worse things to have a life long aversion to. Plus it gives me an idea for a birthday present. Do they make Hazmat suits in 5T?